He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I enjoy the company of your penis
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
