Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize