if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize