please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
