singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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