Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
