There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Houston, we have a squirter
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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