dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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