he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
