I met the friendliest cop last night
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
