I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
