youre lurking in front of me
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
two words: eviction party
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
