if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
