I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
