I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
