Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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