whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
