Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
