I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
