Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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