This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize