Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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