I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
