imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The feeling are messing with the penis
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
