I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
