I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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