the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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