maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
