I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Four minutes until I can fart!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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