I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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