My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
