You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
