Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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