ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
