Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
