I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
