Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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