Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
