you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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