Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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