remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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