Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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