I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
