when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
