One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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