Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am available for nakedness
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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