so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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