U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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