If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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