everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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