I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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