when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
