i think my tv is drunk
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
