my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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