I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
