i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
