Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
