dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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