Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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