if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
