were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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