Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
